Beth Ann's Word: Power, Part 5

I found myself standing in the middle of the kitchen with no recollection of how I got there. I felt here, but not here. I must have walked up the steps, must have retrieved my keys, must have put my things down, but the memory of doing them was gone.
I realized I felt exactly as I had once, years ago, when we couldn't find Riley. I don't know how long he had been gone before we noticed he wasn't around but suddenly he just wasn't there. I remember that creepy crawly feeling of goose flesh go up and down my entire body as I ran from room to room. Mom and Dad shouting his name, then yelling it, then screaming it. We could feel each other's panic like we had all grabbed a hold of a live wire. I looked in closets and behind doors. Even opened cupboards and drawers in that insane way you do when panic and fear take over and you can't make sense of things. I just wanted to find him because I didn't want to feel this way anymore. The longer it went on without finding him the more it felt like my head was floating away from my body. I felt cold and hot at the same time. It was an effort to catch enough breath as if my lungs were shrinking with every passing minute.
When we found him two blocks over, watching a construction crew fixing potholes he didn't know what all the fuss was about. To him, he hadn't been lost. He'd been right there. In the instant we found him, my pain vanished instantly. Like seeing a vase break and then having it played back in reverse. I was instantly whole again. Mom had taken turns hugging the life out of him and pulling away to scold him, "Never ever scare me like that again!" I knew exactly what she had meant. I would have traded just about anything in the world to never again, feel that kind of fear and helplessness.

I would trade anything again now. I needed to feel right in my own skin again. My heart felt too fast in my chest and breathing seemed like a chore instead of automatic. I went to the refrigerator and opened it, trying to find normalcy again in studying the contents. I couldn't focus. I walked into the living room and listened for signs of life. I could hear Riley's music as a dull thud of bass and lyrics through the barrier of his bedroom door. The TV in the living room was on, but muted the way Mom always did when trying to sleep after her shift. To just look at our home, you would never guess at the inner dysfunction. The house was small but kept in amazing order. My mother went through different swings of compulsions. Sometimes it was the cleanliness of the house, and others, it was how many wine bottles she could go through. Her decent to this broken state was a slow and painful one. I don't think any of us knew the extent of her pain and depression until even a couple of years ago. Maybe it's the way someone doesn't notice they've gained 50 pounds until they actually see a picture of themselves. It's a harsh snap into reality when the cushions of denial and pretense are stripped away from you in an instant.

A couple of years ago, I had been in class when the McDermott's, who had been friends and neighbors for years, called my cell phone one afternoon. I needed to get home immediately they had said. Mom had been a teacher for 20 years. She had shown up that day to school drunk. She had been sent home, suspended without pay and had gone to the local bar to drown her misery and anger. Hours later she arrived home by way of taxi (thank goodness) and now the McDermott's and another set of neighbors, the Henry's, were trying to reason her out of the middle of the street. She'd sat down in the middle of the road, inconsolable. Anyone who tried to come near her was met with immeasurable rage. She'd apparently scream and yell Leslie's name, and my father's, among other things, for the better part of an hour. How she just wanted to rest. Just wanted some peace. By the time I had made it home, the police were outside my home as well as what seemed like the entire block. Mom was sitting on the curb with what looked like a man's winter coat wrapped around her shoulders. Mrs. McDermott rubbing her back as if she were comforting a small child.

I had immediately gone to speak to one of the police officers to be assured that Riley was OK. He was. He was inside with Mrs. Henry, but he had been asking for me. They had responded to a call for a Drunk and Disorderly, but everyone seemed to be unharmed. When Mom saw me, any calm she had previously achieved erupted into sobs as she called my name. "Scott! Oh Scott! I'm so sorry! Can you forgive me? Can you ever, ever forgive me?!" She had thrown her small frame into me and clung for dear life. The sorrow in her voice as she begged for forgiveness led me to know she wasn't just seeking absolution for the current day events. I had instantly wrapped my arms around her and rocked her ever so slightly back and forth reassuring her over and over.

"Of course Mom. No one blames you. No one is mad at you, okay?"

Over her head, I glimpsed the glances of the spectators around me. Some were looks of pity, others contempt. Our dirty laundry seemed to have been strewn about 27th street. It took a great deal of pride swallowing, to hold our heads up high and thank those who had helped. Everyone else could go back to their homes. Eat dinner and discuss poor, crazy Mrs. Daniels over pot roast while the three of us attempted to adjust to our new reality.

I walked over to the couch and watched her a minute while she slept. I did my quick checklist. Was she breathing, how well, had she been drinking? A empty wine glass and an empty bottle were placed neatly on the side table. Her waitress uniform didn't even look wrinkled despite falling asleep in it. Her brown hair was pulled neatly away from her face, and only in the glow of the TV, and just at the right angle could you make out a few strands of gray. It was when she slept that her face reminded me of the one from my early childhood. During the waking hours she seemed to have a permanent line of worry in between her eyebrows, and her mouth was always turned down at the corners. At rest, she finally relaxed and you could almost imagine her smiling as she once did in a different life.

She had eventually been fired from her teaching position but I think it had been a relief to her. Once upon a time she had been a highly respected, organized, thoughtful and sought after high school teacher. Over the last ten years she had slowly been tortured by her own personal demons. She no longer had the mental or physical strength to be in charge of anyone but herself. And even that was taxing at times.

I pulled the Afghan blanket off the back of the couch and tucked her in for the night as I often did. I took the wine bottle to the trash and rinsed the wine glass and set it on the counter. My heart rate felt more steady although I could still feel a knot under my sternum. I knew I wasn't in the safe zone yet to let my guard down and think of Mr. Liam's last remark. I work for you father. And now, so do you.

I knocked on Riley's door. When there was no response, I continued to knock, while opening it slowly. Riley was laying on his bed with giant headphones on, drawing something in his sketchbook. He noticed me suddenly and yanked the headphones off.

"Hey Scott, when did you get home?" He was such a good kid. Most fifteen year olds who hadn't been through what he had, would be punks, mad at the world. Riley was just the opposite. It's like he had this perpetual optimism. Bad things happened, but people and life in general were good. A part of me always felt like he understood our mother better than I did. As horribly as she was handling her grief, I think he understood it better than most because if anyone missed Leslie more than Mom, it was him.

"Just a few minutes ago. Your homework done?"

"Yup."

"You take your trash out?"

"Roger that."

"Did you figure out a ride for this weekend? Deb mentioned last week she could help you out if you needed it." I asked these questions as a chance to talk to him. Riley was more responsible than most adults.

"Chris's mom is taking us to the lake and Blake's Dad is going to bring us home."

"Hmm...well, looks like you have everything covered. Anything I can do? Feeling pretty useless when it comes to you."

Riley scrunched up his lips and eyebrows in deep thought. "You can give me back my Shins CD sometime this century. That would be helpful." He looked up at me with a big dumb grin on his face. Even when he was trying to be bratty, he couldn't quite pull it off.

"No promises slacker." I smiled back and tapped his door with my hand as I was leaving. "Don't stay up too late."

"Scott?" Riley called out just as I had turned my back to leave.
"Yeah?"
"You okay? You seem, I dunno know, anxious."

Riley was too perceptive for his own good. I could have told him about what happened today. I even kind of wanted to. It would feel good to unburden myself. Sometimes I just felt like even though he could handle something, didn't necessarily mean he should. He has had to grow up so fast. I wanted him to be as much of a kid as I could create for him.

Besides, he'd just worry about me and I wasn't even sure what the magnitude of the situation was yet. There was no way I was telling him about Mr. Liam mentioning a connection to our Dad. Until I understood the situation myself, I'd only give him false hope. Riley always thought Dad would be back. Like he was just on a long exciting business trip. I knew it was a coping mechanism but I would be the last person who would try and disassemble it.

"I'm fine bud. Just a long day, had to miss class because of some stuff at work." True enough I thought to myself.

Riley gave me a questioning look, but then shrugged and decided to believe me.

I closed the door softly behind me and made my way to my room. I dumped my bag and coat in the middle of the floor and fell face first onto my bed. Things I wasn't ready to think about were already dancing around the edges of my mind and I could feel my pulse quicken. I sat up, determined to face the facts of this thing head on. I rested my elbows on my knees and my head in between my hands and closed my eyes. Deb, I thought suddenly. I told her I would call her when I was home. I had given her enough of a scare for one day, I thought. I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket and hit her number on speed dial. She picked up on the second ring.

"Oh Scott, thank heavens! Who was that man in that car? I've never seen him before, how do you know him? Was he the police? A detective or something? Because he wasn't even driving a police car-- What are you saying Bob?!... I AM letting him talk!" I just held the phone to my ear and couldn't help smiling as I shook my head back and forth.

"I'm good Deb," I jumped in quickly. Deb talked when she was anxious. "He was a business associate. I deliver to him and he had some questions for me. I knew it was fine, I'm sorry if you worried." I didn't like all these half truths I seemed to be telling lately. I justified it to myself in that I only knew half truths myself. No reason to worry the people in my life until I actually knew what to worry them with.

"Oh. Okay, well that's a relief. There seem to be a look passed between you and Kylie that made me nervous." That was Deb. She didn't miss a beat.

"Nope. Everything is fine. Thanks for worrying about me. You know I love all the attention." She laughed at that.

"How is the family? You guys okay?" I asked, desperate to not talk about myself anymore.

"Oh we're good. A bit of drama around here. Kylie broke up with Lee." She said it casually but I knew her better than that. Her contained glee was like one of those cans full of rubber snakes just waiting for me to open it.
"I'm sorry she's upset. He was a jerk though. Good riddens I say." I could feel Deb beaming through the phone.
"I know, she says she--well, that's not my place. I'll let her tell you the story. You don't know, OK?"

I laughed into the phone. I could tell it was paining her to not give me the full scoop.

"Know what?"

"You're a good boy Scotty." she said.

"Night Deb." I clicked the phone shut and turned it over in my hands a few times thinking about Kylie. I shook my head as hopeful thoughts began to creep into my mind. She is not into you dude. Single or not. Don't torture yourself. I pushed the images in my mind to the far corners and decided quickly to make one more phone call. From my pocket I pulled Autumn's now somewhat creased business card and studied it. I looked at the Liam & Drees & Associates embossed in thick black ink and tried to not let it make me feel sick to my stomach. I had almost been back to the law office when those men stopped me. Made sense that she would be passing by that alley on her way to work. I just wanted as much distance from that place as possible. On the off chance that there was something that could come of our chance encounter...it just seemed like some kind of irony that I'd be sucked back into that place.

Before I lost my nerve I found myself punching in her cell number and hitting send. Her voice sounded upbeat on the other end, "Hello?"

"Um, yes, I was referred to you by Scott Daniels. I was looking for a bodyguard for hire?"

She laughed into the phone and the knot in my chest eased a bit. "You know, I would, but I already have this current client, and he's pretty high maintenance."

"Really?" I said.
"Yeah. Gets into trouble constantly. It would be scary to leave him alone to his own devices."

"Haha, funny girl!"

"How did the rest of your day go without me there to look after you?"

I started to form what was becoming my standard truth skirting response, when I suddenly didn't want to. For all intents and purposes, Autumn was a perfect stranger, with no real investment in me. My desire to not scare her off was fighting intensely with my increasing need to unburden myself.

"Scott? You okay?" she asked hesitantly. I didn't realize how long I must have mentally debated with myself.

"Yes, sorry. I think I'm just trying to decided how much danger and baggage you can dump on a new friend in one day before that person decides they'd prefer not to be your friend."

Autumn laughed easily and not nervously I noticed. That was a good sign.

"I'm a lawyer Scott. I promise you, however insane your life is right now, I've heard worse. Lay it on me."

And then I just did. From the beginning. How for weeks I've been feeling watched, Mr. Liam's mystery package and implications that I was now involved in something potentially dangerous. When I got to the part about my dad--actually said it out loud--I felt my voice catch and stopped short, trying to collect myself.

There was a brief silence and then a "Wow."

I felt relief start to seep into my bones as I recognized her "Wow" as a "Wow, that is some story" and not a "Wow, you are crazy."

"I know right? This will teach you to go around saving people now won't it?"

"Scott this is incredible. I mean, kind of scary too, but, if Mr. Liam wanted to hurt you he would have already done it, don't you think?"

"Well, there were witness seeing me getting into his car today. Maybe he's just biding his time." I half joked.

"I don't know. I've worked for his firm for a year now and he just seems like the most normal man. I don't think he could be involved in anything too crazy. There are too many Associates. Too many ears. If something big was going down, people would know."

"Yeah, well, that seemed to be a big motivation this morning in having me be the person to deliver these GPS coordinates. So maybe he's really gone to enormous lengths to keep it under lock and key."

"Did he tell you where these coordinates led to?"

I laughed but there was no humor to it. "Oh I asked him that. Told me if he did, someone would kill me over it."

"Oh. Right." I could almost hear the wheels in Autumn's head turning over the phone line. I had to admit. It felt great to get this whole crazy thing out in the open. Having her not totally freak out was helping me to not totally freak out. Almost like this kind of stuff happened everyday.

"Do you really think your Dad is involved? After all this time?" I could tell she was asking carefully, not knowing my feelings about him after years of abandonment.

"What I think is that it wouldn't really shock me that after all this time, he might need a favor and wouldn't think twice to use me. It would seem to be consistent with his level of selfishness." Even I was surprised by the amount of bitterness in my voice.

"How long has he been gone?" she asked quietly.

"Eleven years. Since I was nine. Riley was almost five. I remember it had been a great day right before too. He had taken me and Riley to Coney Island. He won this stuffed Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle at that Jars game. Riley still has it in his room. We got home after dark, but Dad played catch with us in the street until late. And then we got to stay up even later and watch an old black and white movie on TV with him. Revenge of the Killer Tomatoes. So crazy the things your brain chooses to remember." I said the last part almost more to myself.

"Wish I could forget." I said after some silence. Autumn was a good listener. I hadn't spoken of this in years, and now I couldn't stop talking.

"The next morning I woke up on the couch with Riley next to me. I heard Mom and Dad fighting in their room, which had been par for the course since our sister Leslie died six months earlier. He came out dressed for work a little while later. Kissed us and ran out the door like he was late. Never saw him again. When I was thirteen my Mom showed me a letter he'd written. Thought I was old enough to understand it then I guess."

"What did it say?" Autumn with the same gentleness.

"Oh the same bull crap that all abandoners say. I'm not good enough for you right now..you're better off if I leave..causing you all too much pain...blah blah blah. Basically it's too hard to man-up and support you right now, and your pain just makes me feel bad about myself so I'd rather not be around any of you."

"Amen to that!" Autumn agreed and I found myself laughing despite the low mood that had started to form in recalling it all.

"It's his loss," she continued. "in his weakness, he gave up knowing that he has an incredible son, and that's on him." she said it with such genuineness, I found it hard to believe we had just met.

"Thanks for listening to it all. It's a bit much for a phone call simply intended to ask you out."

"Well, then, get to that part already."

Man this girl was cool.

"Tomorrow night. Julio's on Third Avenue, you free around seven?"

"Yes, but I'll be coming right from work, can I meet you there?"

"Sounds great. I'll be the one not getting mugged, in case that makes it easier for you to spot me."

I hung up the phone with a genuine smile on my face. For the first time that day I felt...lighter. Not burdened with bad desicisons, or the mess I was trying to get myself out of. Not even with my past and the possiblity of my long lost father somehow using me. Funny how a girl can make the worst of days suddenly seem decent. It's like they have magic powers or something.

I walked to the hall bathroom that Riley and I shared to take a shower. It would feel good to have the last bit of this day off of me. I grabbed a towel and made a conscience effort to think about tomorrow night and none of what Mr. Liam had said in the car.

But it was not to be. Upon walking into the bathroom I saw a piece of paper taped to the mirror and every instinct in my body shouted at me that it wasn't a friendly note from Riley or my Mom. I was suprised that my hand was steady as I took it off and opened it. My heart was thudding in my throat.

Frank,

Tomorrow. NYU Library. West end, 5pm. Wait for instructions.

The thudding went from my throat, to my ears, even behind my eyes. I dropped the note in the sink as I needed to hold onto it with both hands. Any emotional distance that I had put between this whole situation and news of my father being involved was coming together at a crushing speed. When I was five I had an alter ego. I was a Jedi-Cowboy who fought valiently against aliens and girls. When in character I reacted strongly if my family would try and call me Scott. I was Frank Boba Fett Skywalker. There are only three people left in the world who would know that. My dad, Jeffrey Daniels, being one of them.